Entry 1:
I Run In Search of My Beauty


Understanding the definition of one thing sometimes requires the knowledge of that thing's opposite. For instance, I know a lot of times (ok, most) what I want based on the opposite: what I don't want. I know without a doubt what happiness is because I fully know its opposite, unhappiness. I know what joy is because I've felt sorrow. 


There are days when the only way I know I am moving in the direction of searching for my beauty is because I know I'm not running from it. There is a special solace just in knowing that I'm not running away.


I do, however, relish, cherish, and hang onto the moments when I am fully engaged in the search for my beauty. The definition of beauty taken from www.dictionary.com is "the quality present in a thing or person that gives intense pleasure or deep satisfaction to the mind, whether arising from sensory manifestations (as shape, color, sound, etc.), a meaningful design or pattern, or something else (as a personality in which high spiritual qualities are manifest). I define my beauty as connecting to the spirit in which God has created me. Not necessarily doing, but being the God-created spiritual body. The moments I'm 100% connected to the universe. The atoms within the cells of my body connecting to the atoms outside of my body. Sometimes thinking of myself in terms of a body and spirit made of atoms helps me to easily feel connected without forcing myself to extrovert.


The search for my beauty is instantly successful when I run. My beauty is ferocious when I'm laced up, moving my legs, breathing from my diaphragm. The beauty is right there like a firefly in flight. My kids aren't with me, nor my husband or friends, yet I am not alone. I'm connected to whom God has created me to be, a body and spirit in motion. I am a moving light. The feminine energy moving through me is beauty. 


I admit when I am running I think, "Gosh, I look good doing this." I smile easier when I run. I glow after a run. I believe all of my cells are pointing right at God like flowers tilt toward the sun. Additionally, everything around me during a run is beautiful. The lake. The trees. The color green. The ducks. The sky. The sun. Other people. Everything is pure.


One of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite books Wild At Heart by John Eldredge is "every woman is searching for or running from her beauty." At the time I first came upon the statement, I didn't need any contemplation time to know that I was running from my beauty. The book along with the quote was for me like God cupped his hands and blew me a breeze making me take notice of my position. It was time to move in a different direction. My mind and body began moving in a way similar to the movement moments after an explosion. My senses perceived the destruction. I gathered what belongings I could hold in 3 suitcases and I moved on. Soon after, my daughter and I arrived in Minnesota, home. 


I began a journey of rest and recovery with a desire to reconnect with whatever beauty I could muster inside of me. I missed God. I'd go on solitary walks in the afternoon around Lake Nokomis and out of nowhere, I'd get the urge to run. Remembering that time, I believe that God was talking to me. He heard my desire. 


Today, three years later...I'm still running and in full search for my beauty. My truth has become that the search for my beauty is listening and responding to God's gentle and not-so-gentle urges.