Yes, I have an escape route. From my front door, it's a 3.5 mile loop around Lake Nokomis. Yes, my escape route is a loop, therefore, I do end up back at my front door. There's almost always mayhem when I leave and undoubtedly mayhem when I return.
The mayhem is a blessed package of four children including an eleven-year-old daughter, two-year-old twin sons, and a 14-month-old daughter. Of course, the mayhem does not always start and stop with the twins, however, for now they are the center of mayhem in my family. I believe they secretly plot each morning before I open their bedroom door which show it's going to be, the circus or the zoo. So, that makes me either the ringmaster or the zoo keeper. Being mom is saved for 3:30 am nights when twin 2 can't sleep and just wants to kiss me for 2 hours.
There are days like today when I need to take the show on the road. I just can't contain the combustible energy within my home. Today included a trip to Target and a trip through the city. We're on day 5 of Operation No Pacifier also meaning day 5 without regular two-year-old naps. Mayhem has reached epic proportions. By the way, Operation No Pacifier resulted from a pacifier throwing fit of anger in the woods along the Mississippi River exactly 5 days ago.
In Target today, a woman who looked to be in her 50's stopped upon my spectacle of a zoo, gasped and said, "Oh my God! Twins? Boys? Good luck with that if you can survive." I've heard that way too many times for it to be clever. It's also not the most "Minnesota Nice" thing I've ever heard. Obviously, she wasn't a twin nor was she a mother, aunt, or grandmother of twins. Who knows where she received her expertise. Her comment made me feel like the zoo keeper trying to get control of the screaming monkey exhibit.
On days like this, there is a voice laced with kindness and grace within begging me not to check out. This mental voice speaks softly with a gentle countdown of hours, minutes, and seconds left until I get to hand-off the mayhem to my husband like a baton. Folks may believe I'm incredibly calm, but I promise it's really the voice of grace keeping me from becoming mother monkey.
As the mayhem grows with the day and the countdown shrinks, I'm obsessed with craving a mayhem vacuum. I absolutely must have that run where all mayhem subsides and is suspended like it's frozen just for my sake. Running doesn't mean that the mayhem goes away. In fact, when I return to it, it's livelier than ever. It's just that I get to push the pause button on myself. It's even more than the simpleness of relaxing since there are countless other things that are relaxing activities. Running is my mayhem escape.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Entry 3: I Run for the Love of It
I have to chuckle because not even one minute into the first quietness of the day at 10:41pm and already my blog fog is lifting. I know what I want to articulate.
In order to bypass the hype and self-imposed pressure that comes along with my endeavors, I must purpose to endeavor for the love of it.
With my first post-half marathon run more than a week ago, I've been patiently sitting on this post. I've ran a few runs over the last ten days including a perfect birthday run as well as a 10k guided tour run of St. Paul. I've also been able to enjoy watching my daughter in her first year of track in the evenings. Honestly, watching her long legs go got me laced up quicker than I thought.
In order to bypass the hype and self-imposed pressure that comes along with my endeavors, I must purpose to endeavor for the love of it.
I run for the love of it.
I write for the love of it.
I blog for the love of it.
With my first post-half marathon run more than a week ago, I've been patiently sitting on this post. I've ran a few runs over the last ten days including a perfect birthday run as well as a 10k guided tour run of St. Paul. I've also been able to enjoy watching my daughter in her first year of track in the evenings. Honestly, watching her long legs go got me laced up quicker than I thought.
It took more than two weeks to lace up after the half marathon and I'm so glad I patiently waited for the desire to run instead of forcing any running. My first post run was probably the best run I have ever had. I enjoyed every moment of movement. I felt light on my legs; almost graceful like I was dancing instead of running. The in and out rhythm of my breathing was music to my ears instead of labor. No piriformis or calf pain. Even the sweat on my shoulders felt less sticky. I was running because it's something I love to do.
Running on my birthday last week was even better. My sister visiting from Atlanta joined me. It was a perfect and blessed early morning run. Though hard work, running is still such a gift to myself. Every single run comes with an award be it mental, physical, emotional, away time, medal, or t-shirt. Being able to do something for myself that I love was the best birthday gift.
My visiting sister gave me another gift. On Saturday, we completed a guided 10k tour of St. Paul. It was an ideal laid back 10k since she's gearing up for the July 4 Peachtree Road Race 10k and I'm in laid back mode. The tour was given by City Running Tours http://www.cityrunningtours.com/. I couldn't ask for a cooler 10k. There was no need for music because the guide spoke the entire time we ran. A portion of the run was on the Twin Cities Marathon route. We passed the governor's mansion, St. Paul Cathedral, State Capitol, through downtown, and historic Summit and Grand Avenues. The tour was amazing! St. Paul is a beautiful city! The tour included a final power-push toward the end at mile 5 when we trekked up the Ramsey Street, an incredibly steep hill by anyone's standards in a neighborhood full of Victorian's and rich history.
I love being able to do the things I love to do!
Running on my birthday last week was even better. My sister visiting from Atlanta joined me. It was a perfect and blessed early morning run. Though hard work, running is still such a gift to myself. Every single run comes with an award be it mental, physical, emotional, away time, medal, or t-shirt. Being able to do something for myself that I love was the best birthday gift.
My visiting sister gave me another gift. On Saturday, we completed a guided 10k tour of St. Paul. It was an ideal laid back 10k since she's gearing up for the July 4 Peachtree Road Race 10k and I'm in laid back mode. The tour was given by City Running Tours http://www.cityrunningtours.com/. I couldn't ask for a cooler 10k. There was no need for music because the guide spoke the entire time we ran. A portion of the run was on the Twin Cities Marathon route. We passed the governor's mansion, St. Paul Cathedral, State Capitol, through downtown, and historic Summit and Grand Avenues. The tour was amazing! St. Paul is a beautiful city! The tour included a final power-push toward the end at mile 5 when we trekked up the Ramsey Street, an incredibly steep hill by anyone's standards in a neighborhood full of Victorian's and rich history.
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| My sister and me on our guided tour. |
Monday, June 11, 2012
Friday, June 8, 2012
My Children Keep Growing!
As my children grow, our relationships evolve. I'm so glad to be completely out of the bonding/need stage called nursing! I am, however, in love with the sound of my toddlers calling me "Mama." I also am grateful to be in the watchful seat as my oldest daughter transitions into her teens. Of course it ain't easy! She's so poised, however. And she glows so radiantly. I don't want to stop her flow.
Erin graduated from elementary school this week. I'm so proud of the person she's blossoming into. She cares about family immensely. She's emphatic. Her heart is stunning. Erin is creative and imaginative. She's pure and intelligent. Erin is beautiful!!!
I know she's going to keep growing up and will one day leave home and do great and awesome things. For now, however, I'm perfectly content staring at these pictures remembering these exact moments.
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| Erin ready for school at 18-months old |
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| Erin graduating from pre-school |
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| Erin's last day of kindergarten |
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| Erin and Taco in 1st grade |
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| Erin in 2nd grade |
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| Erin's 3rd grade school concert |
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| Erin in 4th grade |
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| Erin graduating from elementary school |
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Fifty Shades of Grey Discussion Questions
Book Club was so much fun last Saturday! I was very pleased with the discussion and conversation over Fifty Shades of Grey. Here are the questions we discussed.
1. As narrator of the story, how believable is Anastasia's character?
2. Is fan fiction a legitimate genre of literature?
3. Why is this book so wildly popular among its demographic audience?
4. What does this book say about the psyche of pop-culture?
5. Since women are the principle readers and targeted audience of Fifty Shades of Grey, what conclusions can we made about freedom in America. What would other audiences in other countries conclude about the book and its targeted audience?
6. What are the book's themes and conflicts?
7. How often do women sacrifice their dignity, principles, time, money, sex, happiness, healthy, wombs. religion, etc. to make men feel okay about their issues?
8. Is BDSM healthy or is abuse-based?
9. Why are the characters so appealing and/or appalling?
10. Why is there a rise in popularity in female erotica fiction?
1. As narrator of the story, how believable is Anastasia's character?
2. Is fan fiction a legitimate genre of literature?
3. Why is this book so wildly popular among its demographic audience?
4. What does this book say about the psyche of pop-culture?
5. Since women are the principle readers and targeted audience of Fifty Shades of Grey, what conclusions can we made about freedom in America. What would other audiences in other countries conclude about the book and its targeted audience?
6. What are the book's themes and conflicts?
7. How often do women sacrifice their dignity, principles, time, money, sex, happiness, healthy, wombs. religion, etc. to make men feel okay about their issues?
8. Is BDSM healthy or is abuse-based?
9. Why are the characters so appealing and/or appalling?
10. Why is there a rise in popularity in female erotica fiction?
Entry 2: I Run to Face My Anxiety
A quote applicable to this entry arrived in my e-mail inbox from the daily meditative quotes I receive from the Meditation Society of Australia (http://meditation.org.au/index.asp?mobilecheck=true). For the Thursday, June 7, 2012 e-mail post, a portion of the quote by Mahatma Gandhi reads, "there is nothing that wastes the body like worry." From experience I know how true that statement is. I'd categorize myself as one of those people who worry just because there's nothing at all to worry about. Worrying about all of the things in which I have no control over is not only exhausting, but is headache, stomachache, and all-over-body-ache causing. I believe there are pockets throughout my body that receive direct deposits of worry.
Anxiety has played a heavy hand in my living, especially within the last eight years. I know the physical symptoms, negative thinking, self-victimizing, perfectionism, and unrealistic expectations that arise suddenly and unwelcome at the onset of anxiety. I remember times when I have felt the paralyzing effects of anxiety. Yuck!
Additionally, I know the determination and hard work it takes to defeat anxiety. Acknowledging, breathing, self-kindness and self-love are key strategies to survive and thrive through the most anxiety causing situations. When anxiety hits, I know it's time to become my own best friend.
Writing realistically, running does not cure my anxiety. In fact, I experience anxiety every time I run. I've even had a panic attack or two while running. Fear pulses through me and adrenaline leaps before I even turn the front door knob to head out. After 6 months of consistently running more than 10 miles a week, I've become accustomed to the anxiety. I've also learned that this run anxiety is healthy for me in the big picture.
Channeling my fear, worry, and anxiety into running pretty much clears the muck from every other thing I do or have going on. Running is the most physically and mentally exertive thing I do. After a run, all the other expectations I put on myself become either realistic and attainable or they're unrealistic and unworthy of beating myself up over. Imagine reaching whatever mileage goal at whatever pace. Also imagine an incredibly tough run when legs turn into slugs, the air is thick, and it feels like running in place. Everything else afterward becomes important enough or not important at all. Furthermore, breathing through a run guarantees I'll breathe the remainder of the day.
Running is for me. I do it for me. Running is the way I give into fear and is also my fight for joy. Running has become my secret place. My sanctuary.
If anxiety holds anyone back from enjoying life, I strongly recommend looking up Lucinda Bassett's anxiety and depression books and programs, http://www.midwestcenter.com/. Someone loaned one of Bassett's programs to me a few years ago and although there aren't recommendations to run, the program gave me tremendous value as well as immediate anxiety-fighting strategies.
Lastly, just know and remember that happiness, joy, faith, and relaxation are things that must be fought for. Surely, these things are not handed over easily and are worth the fight. Everyday, fight for happiness!
Friday, June 1, 2012
Entry 1:
I Run In Search of My Beauty
Understanding the definition of one thing sometimes requires the knowledge of that thing's opposite. For instance, I know a lot of times (ok, most) what I want based on the opposite: what I don't want. I know without a doubt what happiness is because I fully know its opposite, unhappiness. I know what joy is because I've felt sorrow.
There are days when the only way I know I am moving in the direction of searching for my beauty is because I know I'm not running from it. There is a special solace just in knowing that I'm not running away.
I do, however, relish, cherish, and hang onto the moments when I am fully engaged in the search for my beauty. The definition of beauty taken from www.dictionary.com is "the quality present in a thing or person that gives intense pleasure or deep satisfaction to the mind, whether arising from sensory manifestations (as shape, color, sound, etc.), a meaningful design or pattern, or something else (as a personality in which high spiritual qualities are manifest). I define my beauty as connecting to the spirit in which God has created me. Not necessarily doing, but being the God-created spiritual body. The moments I'm 100% connected to the universe. The atoms within the cells of my body connecting to the atoms outside of my body. Sometimes thinking of myself in terms of a body and spirit made of atoms helps me to easily feel connected without forcing myself to extrovert.
The search for my beauty is instantly successful when I run. My beauty is ferocious when I'm laced up, moving my legs, breathing from my diaphragm. The beauty is right there like a firefly in flight. My kids aren't with me, nor my husband or friends, yet I am not alone. I'm connected to whom God has created me to be, a body and spirit in motion. I am a moving light. The feminine energy moving through me is beauty.
I admit when I am running I think, "Gosh, I look good doing this." I smile easier when I run. I glow after a run. I believe all of my cells are pointing right at God like flowers tilt toward the sun. Additionally, everything around me during a run is beautiful. The lake. The trees. The color green. The ducks. The sky. The sun. Other people. Everything is pure.
One of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite books Wild At Heart by John Eldredge is "every woman is searching for or running from her beauty." At the time I first came upon the statement, I didn't need any contemplation time to know that I was running from my beauty. The book along with the quote was for me like God cupped his hands and blew me a breeze making me take notice of my position. It was time to move in a different direction. My mind and body began moving in a way similar to the movement moments after an explosion. My senses perceived the destruction. I gathered what belongings I could hold in 3 suitcases and I moved on. Soon after, my daughter and I arrived in Minnesota, home.
I began a journey of rest and recovery with a desire to reconnect with whatever beauty I could muster inside of me. I missed God. I'd go on solitary walks in the afternoon around Lake Nokomis and out of nowhere, I'd get the urge to run. Remembering that time, I believe that God was talking to me. He heard my desire.
Today, three years later...I'm still running and in full search for my beauty. My truth has become that the search for my beauty is listening and responding to God's gentle and not-so-gentle urges.
I Run In Search of My Beauty
Understanding the definition of one thing sometimes requires the knowledge of that thing's opposite. For instance, I know a lot of times (ok, most) what I want based on the opposite: what I don't want. I know without a doubt what happiness is because I fully know its opposite, unhappiness. I know what joy is because I've felt sorrow.
There are days when the only way I know I am moving in the direction of searching for my beauty is because I know I'm not running from it. There is a special solace just in knowing that I'm not running away.
I do, however, relish, cherish, and hang onto the moments when I am fully engaged in the search for my beauty. The definition of beauty taken from www.dictionary.com is "the quality present in a thing or person that gives intense pleasure or deep satisfaction to the mind, whether arising from sensory manifestations (as shape, color, sound, etc.), a meaningful design or pattern, or something else (as a personality in which high spiritual qualities are manifest). I define my beauty as connecting to the spirit in which God has created me. Not necessarily doing, but being the God-created spiritual body. The moments I'm 100% connected to the universe. The atoms within the cells of my body connecting to the atoms outside of my body. Sometimes thinking of myself in terms of a body and spirit made of atoms helps me to easily feel connected without forcing myself to extrovert.
The search for my beauty is instantly successful when I run. My beauty is ferocious when I'm laced up, moving my legs, breathing from my diaphragm. The beauty is right there like a firefly in flight. My kids aren't with me, nor my husband or friends, yet I am not alone. I'm connected to whom God has created me to be, a body and spirit in motion. I am a moving light. The feminine energy moving through me is beauty.
I admit when I am running I think, "Gosh, I look good doing this." I smile easier when I run. I glow after a run. I believe all of my cells are pointing right at God like flowers tilt toward the sun. Additionally, everything around me during a run is beautiful. The lake. The trees. The color green. The ducks. The sky. The sun. Other people. Everything is pure.
One of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite books Wild At Heart by John Eldredge is "every woman is searching for or running from her beauty." At the time I first came upon the statement, I didn't need any contemplation time to know that I was running from my beauty. The book along with the quote was for me like God cupped his hands and blew me a breeze making me take notice of my position. It was time to move in a different direction. My mind and body began moving in a way similar to the movement moments after an explosion. My senses perceived the destruction. I gathered what belongings I could hold in 3 suitcases and I moved on. Soon after, my daughter and I arrived in Minnesota, home.
I began a journey of rest and recovery with a desire to reconnect with whatever beauty I could muster inside of me. I missed God. I'd go on solitary walks in the afternoon around Lake Nokomis and out of nowhere, I'd get the urge to run. Remembering that time, I believe that God was talking to me. He heard my desire.
Today, three years later...I'm still running and in full search for my beauty. My truth has become that the search for my beauty is listening and responding to God's gentle and not-so-gentle urges.
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